The Texas Mama

  - It has just occurred to me that Chuck Norris looks just like a caveman.  Has anyone else noticed this?  Is he aware that he resembles prehistoric man?

- If you were a celebrity couple, what would your and your other half’s nick name be?  We would be either Jereli or Charmy.  Why do the tabloid/gossip columnist do this anyways?  Do they think its cute, funny, clever, what?  Who decided to do this?

- If you were an animal, what would you be?  Not what you would like to be, but what animal do you believe best represents you?  I asked my husband this today.  It’s really a tough question, because each animal brings something to mind, but what animal covers you and your personality best?  And would you judge what animal you would be by your personality or by what you look like? Maybe both?  This could really be an interesting discussion… 
   
- I would love to be going to BlogHer.  Not because so many people read me that I feel I am SOMEONE in the blogosphere (thanks all like eight ten thousand of you that read me!) but because I would A.) really like to meet some of the women who’s blogs I am such a fan of and B.) I could say who I was, and NO ONE there would know me.  Do you think some would act as though they do, just to have something to say or to make me feel better?  I would definitely have THE smallest blog there.  Some of the workshops sound really great, too. Sigh…

- Why is it called a laptop?  I mean it really is not comfortable to put it on you lap and use it.  They get HOT. I mean so do I, but we won’t go there… the battery only lasts like two hours, and unless you have wireless and a hot spot that covers  your whole house then you are S.O.L.  I used to have these fantasies of typing away in bed next to my hubby as he is watching tv in bed.  You know- like you see on the commercials or whatever.  Now I see how impractical that is- I tried it.  Okay, so I was in bed with Hali watching Rugrats Gone Wild, but you get my point.

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You can ignore this post, i am just trying to figure some stuff out, and my hosting service provides this crappy free blog set up and I can’t do any html in the side bar over there.  Unless I pay them like 36 bucks a year that is.  Ya, I will probably have to do it, since there is apparently no way around it…

   For some reason I did not think of possibly THE best proof I have that I am one classy, sophisticated gal before when I posted on this subject.  This bathing suit cover up is IT:


    

   Yep.  This just really doesn’t even require words, does it?  In my defense, my mother in law bought it for me as a souvenier of sorts when she went to the beach not long after I had Hali, I believe.  At this time my body image was not so great, but I really didn’t mind as much then.  So this cracked me up.  

   As I opened it, their eyes were upon me, watching for my reaction.  I laughed so hard I think I peed a little.  I then proceeded to slip it over my clothes and walk around in it.  The MIL looked a little confused.  I don’t know that she thought I would actually wear it or not.  I HAD to wear it!  I mean who actually buys these?!  Obviously they do, because I saw them aplenty when we went to the beach over the weekend.  Not actually on people, but in stores.  

   I have never seen anyone other than me wear one.  I wear it to the pool all the time. And let me tell you, I get a lot of odd stares.  A few laughs.  A lot of confusion.  Sounds like a fairly accurate description of my life…

   My name is Charli, and I have been diagnosed with M.O.M.S.

   This is a very difficult to manage disease.  It is a very common and widespread disease, mostly amongst women.  Unfortunately, it often requires dependence on your enabler.  You grow attached to your enabler, often times years before any of the tale-tell signs appear.  You may find yourself extremely frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with your enabler.  This is perfectly normal, even if you are happy to have M.O.M.S.  M.O.M.S. is time consuming, difficult, and one of the best things you can ever go through.  Those with M.O.M.S. are extremely underpaid- in fact most MOMS cases are working for free.  Statistics tell us that those with M.O.M.S. work upwards of 96 hours a week. 

   Some argue that the first signs of M.O.M.S. is not merely a missed period, but often first shows itself with adoption papers, frequent day dreaming of babies, a protruding stomach, or in some cases is not clear until a small person roughly the size of a watermelon is pushed out of a vagina.  I am inclined to agree.

   Once you recognize that you have M.O.M.S., it’s time to start planning and educating yourself about the disease.  Don’t worry, you have months ahead of you (in most cases).  M.O.M.S. is what you might even call a “trendy” condition.  Even celebrities are coming out in the open about their contracting of M.O.M.S.  Because this condition is so widespread (everyone has MOMS) it is very well documented.  You are not alone.  There are support groups out there for everyone.  Just stop by your local park.  M.O.M.S. is everywhere, but don’t worry, you can’t catch it at the park (well, unless you are really into the thrill of maybe getting caught).  Going to the park may cause you to envy those with M.O.M.S., though.

   Beware, you are going to find a lot of people- lots of relatives (especially those of which you share no blood with) and even perfect strangers who feel the apparent need to give unwarranted and often bad advice.  These people can be dealt with in several ways, it really just depends on your personality.  Ignoring it works, although this is one of the options that require mammoth amounts of patience.  Humor is a great option, especially when dealing with strangers.  My personal favorite leans towards the use of heavy sarcasm.

   M.O.M.S. quickly becomes full blown.  There is no getting around it- you have M.O.M.S.  Most women with M.O.M.S. are clearly infected.  Do not try and hide your condition, or pretend that it does not bother you!  Hold your head up high, brush the cracker crumbs off your shirt, and stand tall!  We have M.O.M.S. and are PROUD!  

   ***Stay tuned for next time, when I will discuss the different types of M.O.M.S. and what type you may have so that you can properly diagnose yourself.

   Seeing as Smart Me apparently didn’t remember to bring her camera ANYWHERE when we were at the beach, I took a few pics from the car on the way home.  After passing by Huggy Bear’s gas station, I snapped these.  Yes, I kid you not, the actual name of the gas station is Huggy Bear’s- you know like the Pimp.  Anywhooo, I will post a few pics here, and hopefully they will come through.  I have not been having such great luck with posting pics- it seems they only wish to be seen some of the time by some people. 



   This is possibly one of the most beautiful homes I have seen, and it happens to be a historical landmark in Galveston.  It’s right there on Broadway, and I would totally become a squatter there if it were possible. 



   Pretty, huh?! Just ignore the little metal structures jutting out of the water.  What you don’t see across the way is a huge industrial park.  But I will force share my environmental politics another time.



   Now, I don’t know if you can read what the huge letters atop the building advertise, but they say OCEAN CABARET.  What I just missed taking a picture of what the huge billboard next to it that explains just what they mean by cabaret- totally nude.  I think we could all take a lesson on the art of subtlety from these people.  Not to mention how to be classy and sophisticated while advertising BUTT NAKED WOMEN.  I think that would get the idea across a lot faster- not to mention it will definitely catch your eye more than TOTALLY NUDE would, don’t you agree?  I think my slogan is more appealing.  I would also add in something like “…WHILE SHAKIN’ THEIR LAFFY TAFFY” just to appeal to the younger crowd who probably have no idea what a cabaret is (uh..is it a funny little hat that cab drivers wear?) I should so be getting paid to market for companies…

   

   Yesterday I finally bucked up and found a hotel room at the beach for this weekend.  Wouldn’t you know it, by that night Hali and I were getting sick!  Today she has been coughing and congested.  I have been sneezing and congested.  I just can’t catch a break!  I do realize that this place has been pretty down in the dumps lately.  Sorry to disappoint all my literally hundreds (ok, all like five of you that read this) of readers.  The past few entries have been merely a reflection of me lately.  So I promise- no more depressing posts for a while.  I am hoping that our little mini vacation will make me feel better and lift my spirits.  

   Also, I have plans on running away from home.  I will not be giving hubby a chance to escape- he WILL be watching our daughter.  For like an hour or two.  During which time, I will not grocery shop.  This is a new one.  I actually have never taken time for myself that didn’t involve the grocery store.  I can hardly fathom it.  Me, alone, by myself, doing whatever it is that I decide to do.  

   Wanna know what I am thinking of doing?  No, it does not involve needles.  No, the nearest strip club is nearly and hour away.  No, I can’t afford that.  I actually had in mind something kind of boring.  I am going to go just around the corner to a little coffee shop (even though I don’t drink coffee) order something very sweet and full of calorific goodness and write.  I have time to post a quickie entry here every once in a while- that’s it.  With a whole hour, I just may be able to hammer out something worth something.  You know, that someone might actually want to read, possibly even find interesting.  Gee, sounds exciting right?  What can I say- I have a hard time completely wasting time.  I am open to suggestions.  What do you do when you have a little “me time”? 

   There are many things about myself which I find annoying, even when it’s me that is doing them.  I clench- my teeth that is.  Whenever I am consentrating or in pain or frustrated or even sleeping, I am biting down HARD.  So to remedy said situation I got on to a few sites to order some teeth/mouth guards that are recommended for this supposed disorder called TMJ or something like that.  Apparently one in four adults have it.  So if you wake up with head aches and your jaw hurts, look into it.  What are the odds that my hubs also has it? Yep, but he does it differently.  He grinds his teeth back and forth at night only.  So I like to do it up and down allll the time, and he likes to do it left to right at night.  Sounds kinky…

   But I digress.  After checking out a few sites, The Almighty EBAY pops into my head.  They sell everything on ebay, surely I could get a good deal on these expensive guards, especially since I want two of them.  So I sign into ebay (using my hubs id that I set up for him) and begin shopping.  After I got my kicks by marking Very Kinky Lingerie, A How to Make Adult Films video, and a “I Heart Gay Porn” pillow as items to watch so that they pull up the next time the hubs goes to check on those trucks (or dirtbikes or w/e it is that he is keeping an eye on) he also sees that he is apparently got his eye on a few OTHER things.  Hee- ya, I was tired and silly and having a lot of fun.

   Luckily, I got back on track and found the items I was looking for.  Or so I thought.  After nearly two weeks, I still had not gotten them.  So I e-mailed the guy.  I thought I was being very patient, as ebay recommends that after 5 days and you still haven’t gotten them, you e-mail the seller and ask for a phone number to call.  So the seller does the whole blame it on the mail system bit, and says he will put a couple more in the mail.  Ok, so this doesn’t really help me, as my teeth are getting ground to bits and I needed the guards a week ago.  They finally get here.  I tear open the package and excitedly look in.  I not-so-excitedly call my husband to announce that we just paid $21 for some athletic mouth guards.  You know, the kind yo can pick up at your local sporting goods store for under $5?!  Here is the picture that was on the page with the description of what you will be buying:



   What we got were  these big blue bulky things that I can’t even wear, they are so uncomfortable.  What’s in the picture looks so nice and thin and sleek…  Needless to say, I left a negative responce:  false advertising- there is no excuse for this, & no I am not stupid & can read.  I said this because after looking over all the other negative responces he had gotten, usually responded with comments like ” learn to read” so I wanted to cover my bases.  This is what his comment on my comment was:  “Ordered a none returnable item. Sent order twice because/delivery problems. This”  So I guess his response was cut off.  I’d love to see what the rest was.  So now I get to play the part of b@#$%^! buyer and send a nice little e-mail to the good people at ebay.  He also e-mailed me saying something lovely like ‘what goes around comes around’.  Nice, huh?!  Is that a threat?

   You know that nice little drop down part of your tool bar that says BOOKMARKS?  Uh huh- I am addicted.  I have been addicted to this little item since about October or so.  On this bookmark, I have about 10 blogs that I frequently check in on.  There is nothing better than starting your morning with your breakfast and a favorite blog.  I sit down in front of the computer, bleary eyed, morning breath and all and begin merrily clicking away while alternating bites between Hali and myself.  On a good morning, these bloggers have actually posted a new entry and I am a Happy Girl.  Then there is lately.  It seems more and more of my favorite bloggers are taking breaks.  I hardly know what to do with myself… find something else to do besides Stalk Appreciate the musings of Bloggers, perhaps? Nah.

   Also on my bookmarks, are a scarily high number of a few Harry Potter fan sites.  Yes,  I know, my HP obsession has already been closely documented.   Then there are the 7 womens’/mommy communities that I belong to.  Sounds like I have a lot of time, I know, but don’t let this mislead you.  Many of these are rarely visited.  Nick jr.com is also on the list.  Hali loves the site.  She herself, at only two and a half years of age, is addicted to Dora, Diego, SpongeBob, and Rugrats.  Now, don’t get me wrong- she does NOT get to watch these all the time.  In fact, she can chose one a day, and sometimes not even that.  More if she isn’t feeling well or I’m not feeling well.  Hali is also addicted to shoes. These pink sandals in particular.  She wears them ALL the time.  Sometimes, that’s all she is wearing.  No, I’m not letting myself worry that this is a sign she may choose a certain profession which meets the description of wearing nothing but shoes…
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   Ohhhhh, it’s been one of those days.  Man, I really kinda wish I drank right now.  Or atleast had a nice big tub with fancy jet streams of water that shoot out at you.  It’s nearly ten o’clock and I have noooo idea where the hubs is at.  I started my morning off at a dealership.  

   This was followed by Hali pulling out a knife and attempting to make herself a sandwhich because she will surely starve to death whilst my husband calls me over the phone to explain to me why his cargo van has stranded him an hour away from home.  At first I was amazed that my two year old daughter, who still does her business in a diaper, thought enough of herself to believe that she could make a pb&j herself.  I had already gotten the bread, peanut butter, and jelly out when the hub called.  I get off the phone less than 10 min. later to find her on her little potty step stool pulling out a slice of bread from the bag.  I only felt a little guilty that A.)she had pulled out a knife and could have potentially cut herself (it was a dull butter knife, but still) and B.) she was apparently that hungry- she rarely tells me when she is hungry, I have to guess or just offer her food every 3 or 4 hours.

   Just previous to this happening, my husband had been talking to me on his way back from a job site, and sounded as if he would be able to make it home fairly early.  I have been such a good girl and only had like 60 dollars on each credit card.  So I thought that we I deserved to do something a little fun and spontaneous.  So I got onto some travel and hotel sites and found a neat little hotel on the beach for about 160 dollars a night.  We have been talking about how we are going to go to the beach forever.  So I thought this would be fun.  We could go walk the beach this evening, picnic on the beach for dinner, maybe order a dirty movie (j/k) after Hali is asleep, enjoy the views, have a little snuggle time, sleep in, eat a nice big breakfast, then head out to the beach again for some swimming and sandcastle building.  Sounds perfect, right?!  A little toooo perfect, apparently.

   You see, I have this whole unrealistic expectations/hopeful outlook about how things SHOULD go.  I am setting myself up for disappointment- EVERY TIME!  Maybe subconciously I am a gluton for punishment.  Needless to say, I am sitting at home, stewing and wondering where the —- my husband is.  And I have a killer headache.  Please, someone invite my MIL over, and tell her I want to hear all the advise she has to give (my biggest pet peave is when people give you advise that you didn’t ask for- esp. when it involves that person being very hypocritical).  THAT would push me over the edge.  

   Top all this off with me trying to find a part time work at home job.  Yep, that’s right, I am looking to re-enter the work force after being away for more than three years.  Paid work force, that is.  So if anyone out there knows of something available (and no, I am not selling Mary Kay or Avon) let me know.  I have my feelers out at a few sites that may want some more bloggers, or articles or something to that effect, but haven’t heard anything yet.  Just as we haven’t heard back from the realtor on whether or not we got this house for lease that we fell in looooove with.  The house is what prompted me into looking for extra income for our family, because it is a bit pricey for us right now.

   Charli has had a rough day week.

Happy Birthday, U.S.A.!!!

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   Going to the beach did not work out AGAIN this weekend.  We may try tomorrow morning.  I think that it’s actually God’s way of doing a favor for other people out there.  The weather just has not been working with us whenever we have decided to go.  

   Me, in a bathing suit…it’s not pretty.  By not going to the beach, I am actually doing a public service of sorts.  I am literally saving people’s eye site as well as saving others from eating disorders.  You see, one eye-full of me in a bathing suit, and you would surely become either blind (or wish you were) or bulimic or anorexic.  On the other hand, if you are not feeling so great about your body, just invite me to the beach with you.  You’ll feel so much better about your body after you get done wishing you could poke your own eyeballs out with a plastic shovel.

   Then I thought, well maybe my pale pale cottage cheese legs are so light, that the sun will reflect off of them and create a cellulite free appearance- you know like that new makeup they advertise does for wrinkles (you know, with Susan Serranden).  And then I will win the lottery and Brad or & George or & Heath will become my boy toys and I will grow 3 inches and lose 70 pounds.  Lets just lump all those delusions together, shall we…

   I had this whole thing about how I have all these great freedoms as a citizen of our great country typed up.  Then I went to go put Hali to sleep and the hub got on the computer and closed down the unsaved entry.  I refuse to try and recreate it, so instead I will mistakenly lead you to believe that it was truly something to behold, and you would have been inspired.  Ya, thats it…

   Happy Fourth of July!!!